Italy - a guide

In the spirit of other works. Possible title: "Under the Tuscan Elephants" (hmmm... vaguely witty. Editor sought)
Part I. How to get asked for directions by marauding spanish teenagers with mullets/ihavenoideas:
1. Buy paper written in local language. This the flame to the mosca of the hispanoteen (boca cerrada? non li importa)
2. Deliberately mess up hair to resemble that of a derelict, find comfortable slab of stone in vicinity of an already-prostrate "tired" man (with or without dog). Read intently (bluntly assault language barrier)
3. Wait. They will find you. And all ask you at once how to get to Piazza di Noncomprende by helicopter, as though you paratroop there to get to work every other day.
4. Respond politely. Avoid going aggro when they stop listening to you after becoming far more interested in pinching each others body parts.
5. Bring paper home. Place in pile atop previous (largely uncrinkled) papers. Sigh (optional).

Stay tuned for Part II: How to be a male making his residence in Italy (includes graphic depictions)
Che meraviglia!